The Preacher: Bob Hart (13th district of Illinois)
Not actually a preacher, but seems to enjoy sermonizing as much as presenting the issues on his web site.
"Incidentally, it's much easier to sacrifice your child if you think he came from some other life form""Some other life form," refers not to aliens, but to monkeys, as in the theory of evolution. Cites evidence of giants on earth as proof of God's creation, because to him, evolution isn't working if everything gets smaller. Bigger = better. It's a pity that he doesn't actually argue against aliens as the progenitors of mankind.
Also thinks that people who believe 9/11 fulfilled a Nostradamus prophecy are completely silly—everyone should know that it fulfilled a prophecy by Ellen White, who lived in the late-19th century. She also predicted Katrina, cancer, and the AntiChrist. What does Ellen White have to do with Mr. Hart's campaign? Mr. Hart leaves that up for you to decide.
He also doesn't put much faith into doctors:
Currently, most senior citizens needs are met by medical doctors (MD's). MD's typically prescribe pharmaceuticals for illness. Most MD's are not aware of God's plan for optimal health....The specific word "sorceries" found in the King James version is called "pharmakeia" in the original Greek language. This is where we get our modern word "pharmacy". Why is there such a big push for prescription drug benefits? Does it have something to do with this modern day witchcraft that keeps prescription drug users under its spell?
For the Shire: Dan "Frodo" Litvin (51st district, California)
Endearing and nutty, he is running for Congress "as the first of many in the spirit of Frodo." Political power is the Ring, he says, and "typical politicals want the Ring." (It's the One Ring to rule them all, after all.) Washington, D.C., is Mordor, and of course, he is plucky Mr. Frodo, off to destroy the Ring and give power back to the states.
To support his campaign, you can go visit his website and buy a "Frodo for Congress" bumper sticker. There's also a can't-miss photograph of Litvin as Frodo gazing soulfully at the Ring in his hand.
The Vampire: Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey (Governor, Minnesota)
Founder of the Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans Party, "The Impaler" is a self-proclaimed vampire just like the ones in the movies. He sucks his wife's blood, hates God (but wants religious freedom for all), and thinks that all terrorists, drug dealers, and other serious criminals should be impaled in front of the state house. He may or may not also want to impale G.W.Bush. Sadly, he has lately been arrested on several charges and his official website is down.
The Lone Gunman: Dr. Jack Shepard, Lost in Italy! (4th district, Minnesota)
As I write this, Dr. Shepard is personally "agitating the terrorists emotions and exploiting the terrorists insecurities!" To ensure the safety of America from terrorists, he is sending the terroists video tapes of himself, telling them in Arabic of the dire punishment God has in store for them. He's also a fugitive from the US and has been living in Italy since 1982.
The Loving and Obedient Child of God: Tom Wells (Senate, 1st district, Florida)
Originally running for both Senate and House, Tom Wells is sadly no longer in the race. Perhaps it's because he was too picky about who can and cannot give money to him. This loving and obedient child of GOD doesn't just want anybody's money for his Family Values Party, which is more special than all the other parties because it was started at the command of GOD. Fill out the check list, sign it, and send it to Mr. Wells. Maybe he'll tell you more about that time he saw the BRIGHT LIGHT...
"Pollock" Jim Kress (Governor, Arizona)
Jim Kress wants police cars to double as taxis, 24hr. bars and nightclubs, capital punishment for all and publicly broadcasted executions, legalized marijuana and prostitution, and thousands of "completely free" bikes "all over town."
The spelling bee champ: Phillip NaPier (Governor, Maine)
Write-in candidate Napier can't spell, but he wants all of his voters to be good spellers:"You must remember how to spell my name - because you must write it on the ballot when you vote for me. Part of why you are getting what I am alerting you to is you are intelligent, YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING IS TRUE, and you can spell!" But how can he trust us to spell a crazy foreign name like "NaPier"? He should change his name to something like "None of the Above" or "Pro-Life"—but those names are already taken by other candidates, so he'll have to think of something else both creative and witty.
The neo-Nazi: Jim Giles "for white America" (3rd district, Mississippi)
Jim Giles begins his biography with the helpful fact that his parents were white, as were both sets of grandparents. This is supposed to be part of his qualifications as a good congressman. As is the fact that he refused to grant his wife a divorce. Some helpful quotes:
"I am pro-White. I am for White People who have been forced to buy from and work at Wal-Mart. I am for White People just barely scratching out a living. I acknowledge not all 'people of color' are bad and not all white people are good. I do not wish any harm to anyone. I just want to be left alone to be happy and safe and productive. This is best accomplished by separating the races."
Yes, well, I hate Wal-Mart, too.
He also does not like political correctness and women: "Giles worked with many Ivy League graduates and many diverse ethnicities. Corporate political correctness was first implemented in places like IBM where women and non-whites receive undeserved preference."
Jim Giles is looking for 100 men of steel to "start winning again as White People." But apparently he's got more than that; in 2004 he received 40,426 votes.
So time to leave the country.
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